As an 60+ year old you probably have adult children. Hopefully they are living independently and financially independent but sadly this is not the case with many millenials right now. According to CNN.com, “more than half (57%) of those in the 18-to-24 age group said they were living with their parents; as did 21% of those ages 25 to 29 and 11% of those between the ages of 30 and 34.” But as an adult 60+, many of us have declining incomes or limited incomes to live on until the end of our lives. How do we help these adult chidren launch successfully?

I adopted 7 special needs children who are all adults now ranging from 25-38 years old now. Their special needs were not physical but were emotional due to being abused and neglected before they came to live with us and due to their parent’s issues which they inherited biologically. Of these 7 children, only two of them are still living at home. One passed away at the age of 30 from an overdose (he was an addict). One lives with their father (this is my 2nd marriage) and has part time custody of 2 children. One has a long term partner, a good job, and is totally independent (they just bought their first house). One, who has Asperger’s lives with me (age 25). One lives with a friend but could not afford her own apartment or car and she has 2 children also (I worry about this one a lot). One has chosen to live in a Ashram where he gets room and board in exchange for work (but could not support himself outside of that environment), and one is a couch surfer with no steady address, no car, and no job, who constantly asks us for money. This is not a raving success story but apparently not unusual even if they weren’t considered special needs as children. Still, out of 6 special needs children, only 2 are currently living with us. 67% of our children are living independently, know how to pay bills and cook and apply for government assistance if need be and they know that living at home is really not an option if they fail. I’d say these are pretty good statistics given the U.S. statistics for young adults overall!

The question becomes how far does our responsbility go towards financially supporting them? And even if we say forever, what happens to them after we die? I always say my job is to get them able to live indepently BEFORE I die but this is a VERY difficult job! But I have friends and relatives who are still bound to their adult children, unable to enjoy their retirement due to financial and emotional strains these children put on their lives.

I, for one, am a proponent of tough love. I “ejected” my oldest son out of the house when he was 19 because he was emotionally abusive of me. (Ejection is the term for the legal process of evicting a person who was not paying rent.) I allowed him to be homeless and even though it was a rough time for him, he will now tell you it is the best thing my husband and I ever did for him. He has a good job, is a good father, but unfortunately not as good at picking partners to have children with. He owns a home but lives with his father because he refused to make his former partner sell the house where his daughter lives. So, my ex-husband has had him living there for 1.5 years now after the relationship failed. Still, he is helpful to his dad, holds a steady job and is a very considerate son. Also, his homelessness is due to his sacrifice for his family so we don’t mind helping him. It is easier being nice to a son who has those qualities.

My youngest, age 25, who has Aspergers (ASD), is high functioning and I am determined he will find a place to live independently before I die even if it is a supervised home kind of experience.

The cost of living is VERY high where we live and even a small apartment costs $1500 a month. Most young adults cannot afford this cost without at least a partner or roommate to share the costs. Luckily my two daughters have found partners to live with them and thus are independent. But what if those relationships fall apart? They could not afford to live alone but neither my ex-husband or I could house them (our respective houses are full). And what do we do with the couch surfing son who cannot even hold a job (he is a project I am currently working on)? How long are we responsible for helping him survive?

Tough love is very difficult to do. Could you let your child be homeless? But if you have not taught them or helped them become independent, what will they do when you pass away? They will be crippled to help themselves!

Regardless of the scenario — emotional or physical limitations that keep your child from living independently — I STONGLY believe it is our job to not enable them and to find places and ways for them to live BEFORE we die. I know this is an unpopular opinion as I have challenged people in my life to do tough love on their adult children and force them to live independently, regardless the cost. Many, however, just can’t do it and are paying the cost with the inability to enjoy their retirement years, inability to downsize their house, and are very unhappy with their lives. Of course, if they are not unhappy then that is their choice to house their adult children, but most people I know are trapped and do not know how to fix it or don’t have the heart to do tough love.

I believe you should do things like help them get their first apartment, maybe even pay a couple months’ rent, but make it clear that you will not rescue them after that. Or, split the cost of rent with them for a specified time but somehow these adult children MUST figure out how to take care of themselves! If they have to have a roommate to survive, so be it. If they have no training to get a good job then pay for the training or schooling until they graduate. You must stand your ground that they MUST find a way to support themselves. You should be the helper, not the enabler and if need be, you need to be prepared to do tough love.

Can you let your child be homeless? Can you let them be hungry? Help them get on foodstamps. Help them find rooms to rent. But rescuing them and letting them come home to live again and again is not the answer. There is a book called Tough Love by Phyllis and David York. I highly recommend it. Maybe you even need to start a support group of parents in the same situation. But, in my opinion, parents MUST start launching their young adults that are living with them rent free and playing video games all night long.

When you die, what will happen to your son/daughter? They will have to figure out how to survive or die. The best gift you can give them while you are alive is to teach them how to pay bills, how to apply for jobs, how to interview, and even how to apply for government assistance. Let them feel the pain of having to eat Ramen for their meals, take a bus instead of driving a car, and having to sell their video game system to pay for their phone bill. Without pain, they will not grow! The book Tough Love has 10 commandments of Tough Love. I published these one day on a Facebook group and got slaughtered with criticism. “But my child has anxiety, but it’s not my child’s fault he can’t keep a job, etc. How could I let him/her be homeless! That is cruel!” All I have to say is our job as parents is NOT to be their friend. It is our job to teach them how to be an adult.

If your adult child is still living at home with not much hope of them moving out anytime soon, then I urge you to consider tough love and to stop enabling their lifestyle. Of course there are always legitimate reasons when our adult children truly need our help, but of the 50% living at home I believe only about 10% of them have legitimate reasons for doing so. Please give your child the best gift you can of learning how to take care of themselves BEFORE you die! They will be mad at you at first, but in the end they will thank you just like my son does. It is worth the fight and it will be a tough one on you emotionally but keep the end game in mind. The end game is a win/win for everyone involved!