Old Age Is Not For Cowards

Someone is going to be a caregiver!

July 28th, 2025

In all likelihood, you and your partner are not going to live to the same age or have the same medical issues as you age. If you are one of the lucky couples who both maintain their health for a long time, consider yourselves blessed! My experience, with my circle of friends over the age of 60 is that many of us will end up unequally yoked when it comes to health in your old age. The issues surrounding this topic are plentiful but the bottom line is one of you is likely to be more of a caregiver than the other.

I am my husband’s caregiver. I did not realize the weight of this statement until recently. If I was not around, his life span would defintely be shorter for many reasons. I think the largest reason is I am his advocate. I research doctors, drugs and treatments for him. But another important reason is I won’t let him give up fighting to keep what health he has — at least not yet. The latter is probably the hardest part off the job. When your partner does not feel well, and when he is tired or in pain helping them becomes very difficult. The best way to combat many old age issues is to exercise regularly, keep your mind active, and be social. Trying to get your partner to do these things puts you in the position of having to be the “poker and prodder” or more aptly put, the nag!

Being a nag is something I never wanted to be. Left to his own accord my husband would sit in a recliner ALL day and watch TV. This is SO bad for him both physically and cognitively. The issue is the responsibility to keep him from doing this falls on the caregiver. We talk about what is “good” for him and he agrees in principle. But getting him to DO these things is another story. I try to get him to walk at least 2X a day. Actually, I try to get him to walk 1x per hour on his own, even if just a short walk, but even though his Apple watch reminds him, he just won’t do it! So, I settle for 2 quarter mile walks per day as our goal. Even then, he sometimes resists my requests to take that walk. “Later” he will say and I work hard to request again “later” but don’t always succeed due to my own scheduled events and then he has succeeded in avoiding that walk!

I think hard everyday about what we can do or where we can go that will keep him from watching TV all day. I make him play games but even this is tricky as a caregiver because since he has cognitive issues, he loses any game that requires strategy or planning. I have found the best games are the ones involving chance so sometimes he wins and sometimes I win but at least he’s doing something other than TV!

Finding places we can go that he agrees to is tricky also. And when he agrees, the question becomes to take his scooter or not? He can still walk but it is a chore for him. If he scooters everywhere, however, he’ll just get weaker and weaker so I try to get him to do both (walk sometimes and scooter sometimes). Because my husband does not sweat, he cannot go outside in Florida, where we live, in the summer. We go to the mountains for 2 months in NC where the average temperature is about 75 and going outside is much more tolerable for him. There are lots of outdoor concerts, and even though he does not like many of them, I make him go to just get a change of scenery and some fresh air. Here again, however, notice the word “make”. Keeping him healthy sets us up to have lots of conflict in our relationship. As a caregiver, the art of “making” them do healthy things is very challenging.

My sister’s husband is overweight, as I imagine many older men are (or women of course). Getting your partner to eat healthy is another challenge for many but the consequences of not doing so grow as you get older. In my case, because my husband is on formula for his feeding tube, getting him to eat at all is my challenge. As blood pressure , heart issues, and diabetes issues set in, avoiding salt and sugar and fat often becomes a point of conflict in relationships between partners.

My question is this — should we push our partners to make healthier decisions in their lives or should we let the choice to detiorate be theirs? Whenever the conflict starts to really upset me, I break down into tears and ask my husband, “Do you want me to let you detiorate? Is that really your preference?” So far, he always responds to the tears and apologizes for giving me such a hard time and agrees that he wants to do the healthy things I am asking him to do. As you can imagine, however, this is not a healthy dynamic nor an easy one to live each day. I have other friends, however, whose partner refuses to change their life style and keeps heading down a path of self destruction. This, too, causes lots of stress for the other partner because watching someone do that is very depressing!

This leads me to my last thought about caregiving for the day. Caregiving is a very lonely job. If one of you is much healthier than the other, you are going to have to give up hobbies you used to do together and decide whether you will still do them without your partner? We used to scuba dive and ride motorcycles and I gave those up when my husband could no longer do them. But the list gets bigger as their health issues get bigger. With my husband not eating, going to to restaurants is no longer something we do together. I still go out with friends occasionally but not as often as I’d like because I don’t want to leave my husband home alone while I have a delicious meal. It just doesn’t feel right. In fact, on a feeding tube Facebook page I am on, there are relationships that have ended when one partner has to go on a feeding tube! I tell myself that since I am overweight, and still working on losing weight, that not going out is healthy for me too (and saves us money), but still enjoying a nice meal out is something I miss.

Travel is another issue as you age. With my partner eating formula and using a wheelchair, travel is no longer easy for us to do. I love travel. Together we both loved travel and did much of it. Now, my husband does not want to travel because it causes stress for him and he worries about what could go wrong. So, do I give up travel too? In the beginning of this caretaking stage I said yes, travel is no longer in our life. But as time goes on (he has been sick for several years) I am questioning that decision. I really miss travel and who no longs how long I will be healthy enough to enjoy it? So do I travel without him and if I do, who will be the caregiver while I am gone? Do I make him travel with me and manage all the details regarding his disability (which I did recently to fulfill one of his bucket list trips). Traveling with formula and wheelchairs and lots of medications is not easy.

We are at the stage where I am going to have to find an alternate caregiver for when I am not home — whether it is for personal travel or just events such as weddings and birthday parties he does not want to attend any longer. I know that this, too, will cause conflict. He has a choice of going with me or having a caretaker come to the house when I am gone for extended periods. He will not like either of these choices. I also know this is a common old age issue. Aging parents do not want to go into assisted living facilities or have caretakers come into their homes. In this case, it is not my parent, it is my partner whom I live with everyday. We have not crossed this bridge yet, but it is coming soon. Not only do I wish to travel for the pure pleasure of it but I want to travel to see friends and family who are also aging and won’t be around forever and my grandchildren whose childhoods I am missing.

Loneliness sets in when you can’t go to the parties you used to go to, you can’t have a day at the beach, you have to do many things alone that you used to do together as a couple, and you can’t just hop in the car for a weekend getaway without tons of planning. Caregiving is a job that is hard and only gets harder as your partner’s conditions worsen. People don’t plan for these situations and I am not sure if you really could, but having the conversations BEFORE you are in the situation is something I highly recommend! Think about where you live and who your support system will be. Think about proactively developing such a support system — join a church, move near your children or close friends, live close to doctors you trust, live in a 55+ community. Without a support system, you will be alone taking care of your parnter!

Luckly for me, my husband’s disability is related to being a veteran and the VA offers caregiving assistance and support groups. I have decided I want to join such a support group because unless you are a caregiver, you just don’t understand the emotions that go with these issues. I need to talk to someone who understands, network with others who might have helpful information and just vent to maintain my own mental health. I highly suggest, that even if you are not a veteran, you seek out such groups at churches, hospice and your local community centers. This job of being a caregiver is frought with emotions and logistics which are very hard to navigate on your own.

Like this blog says, “Old Age is Not for Cowards!” Feel free to share resources or your thoughts with me on this topic!
What did you say?

August 18th, 2024

MANY people over the age of 60 start to have memory issues. I cannot tell you how many of my friends are reporting forgetting conversations, facts, and events that they used to remember just fine. I am seeing it when I converse with them and they don’t remember what I told them in our last conversation or in some cases even 10 minutes ago! Of course, there are some that still have an impeccable memory but I think after the age of 60 they are the exception. Me, I am scared to death of developing dimentia or Alzheimers as my mother died of it. At the end she did not know who was even visiting her or even facts from her life (she talked about being married to someone other than my father whom she was married to her whole life).

What can we do to slow down cognitive decline? First of all, I recommend getting a complete neuropsych test done and a brain MRI as a benchmark to measure decline over the coming years. Brain MRI’s will also show what white matter, if any, you have in your brain right now. According to Clevelandclinic.org, “Having cardiovascular risk factors, such as high blood pressure, elevated blood sugar (from diabetes), high dietary fat intake (high cholesterol) and smoking can all increase the number of white matter spots or lesions in your brain.” There are also diseases associated with increased white matter that often strike people over 60 (Parkinson’s, MS, etc.)

What I find interesting is my friends that are experiencing memory issues do not want to investigate it. It is so easy to write off these issues as “getting old” but I do not agree that ignoring them is the best practice. Nowadays they have medicines to slow down progression of diseases like Alzheimers and even cures that are in the experimental stage. Why would you avoid being tested and therefore opening up doors to slow down your cognitive decline? I just don’t get it.

Also, here again, your brain is just another organ that will wear down over time if you don’t live a healthy lifestyle. Daniel Amen has a bestseller book called “Change Your Brain, Change You Life”. He has done extensive studies on how a healthy lifestyle effects the health of your brain. Certain foods, supplements and diets are known to lead to healthier brains. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to try to prolong our quality of life by keeping our brain healthy?

If you do have a loved one showing signs of serious cognitive impairment or dimentia be prepared to have lots of patience! Telling your loved one things that they forget 10 minutes later and having to repeat yourself many times over is a very trying experience. Seeing them having difficulties operating websites, paying bills, and remembering significant facts is very sad to watch. Belittling or getting angry at your partner for forgetting and making mistakes is not healthy for either one of you also. Be prepared to be patient and kind as your loved one starts to detiorate. Be gentle in pointing out things they are forgetting or doing wrong and encourage them to use lists, calendars, and even ask for your assistance. My husband, who is experiencing cognitive decline due to this neurodegenerative disease, has learned to let me handle on line purchases and manage our calendar because he knows he can no longer do it effectively. If patience is not your strong suit, you need to give your loved one as many tools as possible to help him function better. Share your calendar with him, provide him with daily to do lists to check with items like when to take his medicine, purchase him pill containers to store his pills by hours of the day and days of the week, show him how to set reminders on his phone. In fact, I have enlisted Alexa’s help and she reminds my husband to eat using reminders I set up with the Alexa app. Another important aide is to set up routines. It is much easier to remember to do things if they are done at the same time everyday.

So, don’t be afraid to get tested and find out what your brain health is now so you can monitor it overtime. Don’t underestimate what a healthy diet and exercise can do to extend your brain’s health. DO do activities that stretch your brain like puzzles and such. DO stay socially active because being social has been proven to improve brain health. And, lastly, if your loved one is experiencing cognitive decline, be kind and patient because it could and most likely will be you, too, one day! Old age is not for cowards!
Helping them live and die…

August 3rd, 2024

One partner has to outlive the other unless you commit suicide together. As a result, one partner will have to help the other live and die. What I mean by that is when your partner’s health starts to deteriorate significantly, it will be your job to help him/her enjoy as much life as they have left and yet also mentally prepare to die. Let me tell you folks, this is not an easy job!

My husband, as you know by now if you have read my previous posts, has a neurodegenerative disease that has greatly shortened his life expectency. His quality of life has decreased greatly over the last 2 years. He only eats through a feeding tube, he cannot walk more than a 1/4 of a mile without being in pain and his left arm is lame making everyday tasks very difficult for him. He has labile (greatly fluctuating) blood pressure and it often drops so low he could and does pass out and falls. There is not much left in life that brings him pleasure and left to his own accord, he would sit in a recliner ALL day and watch TV. Of course, this is not healthy for him and just makes him weaker by the day.

So, my job is to help him live. Without my help he could not really leave that recliner safely so I retired from work (early) and am devoting myself to keeping him as active as I can and supervising his daily routine so he does not forget things (like when to take his medicine) and I even have to remind him to eat (because he does not experience hunger anymore). The tricky part about this job is I have to keep myself alive also or I won’t be much of a caretaker!

One cannot have a terminal disease without thinking about the topic of medically assisted suicide. It is legal in many states in the US now to end your own life due to a terminal condition. Unfortunately, it is not legal in our state yet. We have discussed it, and he says when his quality of life is nearly zero he will want to take that route and exit this world on his own terms. I have no experience with this situation, but I imagine it is easier said than done once the moment really comes. We can go to another state to get the court’s permission or we can take matters into our own hands. In his case, he could just stop eating but I hear that is not a very pleasant way to die.

Helping someone to live is difficult also. They don’t have the energy to do it themselves, or at least my husband does not. I am the one who decided that going to the NC mountains for two months, where the temperature is 20 degrees lower than where we live in the summer, would be good for him. Now we can walk a couple times a day and the heat is not an issue. Packing us up for being away for 2 months was no easy feat but I did it! He certainly is getting to be more active in the mountains than he would have been at home and thus is extending his life by being here.

A difficult balance to achieve when being a caretaker is encouraging and urging your partner to make healthy decisions while being careful not to take away his feeling of control over his life and not becoming a constantly nagging partner. I have to gently urge him to push himself a little to get the benefit from the exercise and I have to respect his boundaries when he says he has had enough. This is very hard to do as a caretaker, especially when my personality is to be a control freak and when I know that exercise is the only thing he can do at this point to extend his life.

While trying to live as best we can, we also need to prepare for death. We have to get our wills, trusts, health care proxies and DNRs all taken care of. We have to make sure our finances are in good shape and we each have access to each other’s bank accounts, credit cards and other important accounts. We need to make sure we understand each other’s final wishes. There is a great document called the Five Wishes you might want to look at for this difficult task.

Yes, I am a caretaker for my partner. At some time you probably will be too. It might only be for a few weeks or a few months or it could be for a few years but whatever the case, we will need to either take care of our partner before death or be taken care of as we prepare for death ourselves. These are topics you probably don’t think about often and I know they are depressing topics. I do encourage you, however, to think about them so you are not blindsided by them when you are suddenly thrust into a situation of facing and planning for death. I used to say a sudden death was easy on the person who died but harder on the person who is left behind. Now, however, after living it, I am not sure which is worse — one powerful punch of grief or the slow, oozing release of grief as you watch your loved one die. Yes I know it is coming, but making the most of the time you have left is an oh so hard task to manage! I want to enjoy my partner’s presence in my life as long as possible and I want him to enjoy life as long as possible but the decisions I have to make daily to do this can be overwhelming. This is why I want you to think about these things before they happen. Old age certainly is not for cowards!
Failure to launch!

July 27th, 2024

As an 60+ year old you probably have adult children. Hopefully they are living independently and financially independent but sadly this is not the case with many millenials right now. According to CNN.com, “more than half (57%) of those in the 18-to-24 age group said they were living with their parents; as did 21% of those ages 25 to 29 and 11% of those between the ages of 30 and 34.” But as an adult 60+, many of us have declining incomes or limited incomes to live on until the end of our lives. How do we help these adult chidren launch successfully?

I adopted 7 special needs children who are all adults now ranging from 25-38 years old now. Their special needs were not physical but were emotional due to being abused and neglected before they came to live with us and due to their parent’s issues which they inherited biologically. Of these 7 children, only two of them are still living at home. One passed away at the age of 30 from an overdose (he was an addict). One lives with their father (this is my 2nd marriage) and has part time custody of 2 children. One has a long term partner, a good job, and is totally independent (they just bought their first house). One, who has Asperger’s lives with me (age 25). One lives with a friend but could not afford her own apartment or car and she has 2 children also (I worry about this one a lot). One has chosen to live in a Ashram where he gets room and board in exchange for work (but could not support himself outside of that environment), and one is a couch surfer with no steady address, no car, and no job, who constantly asks us for money. This is not a raving success story but apparently not unusual even if they weren’t considered special needs as children. Still, out of 6 special needs children, only 2 are currently living with us. 67% of our children are living independently, know how to pay bills and cook and apply for government assistance if need be and they know that living at home is really not an option if they fail. I’d say these are pretty good statistics given the U.S. statistics for young adults overall!

The question becomes how far does our responsbility go towards financially supporting them? And even if we say forever, what happens to them after we die? I always say my job is to get them able to live indepently BEFORE I die but this is a VERY difficult job! But I have friends and relatives who are still bound to their adult children, unable to enjoy their retirement due to financial and emotional strains these children put on their lives.

I, for one, am a proponent of tough love. I “ejected” my oldest son out of the house when he was 19 because he was emotionally abusive of me. (Ejection is the term for the legal process of evicting a person who was not paying rent.) I allowed him to be homeless and even though it was a rough time for him, he will now tell you it is the best thing my husband and I ever did for him. He has a good job, is a good father, but unfortunately not as good at picking partners to have children with. He owns a home but lives with his father because he refused to make his former partner sell the house where his daughter lives. So, my ex-husband has had him living there for 1.5 years now after the relationship failed. Still, he is helpful to his dad, holds a steady job and is a very considerate son. Also, his homelessness is due to his sacrifice for his family so we don’t mind helping him. It is easier being nice to a son who has those qualities.

My youngest, age 25, who has Aspergers (ASD), is high functioning and I am determined he will find a place to live independently before I die even if it is a supervised home kind of experience.

The cost of living is VERY high where we live and even a small apartment costs $1500 a month. Most young adults cannot afford this cost without at least a partner or roommate to share the costs. Luckily my two daughters have found partners to live with them and thus are independent. But what if those relationships fall apart? They could not afford to live alone but neither my ex-husband or I could house them (our respective houses are full). And what do we do with the couch surfing son who cannot even hold a job (he is a project I am currently working on)? How long are we responsible for helping him survive?

Tough love is very difficult to do. Could you let your child be homeless? But if you have not taught them or helped them become independent, what will they do when you pass away? They will be crippled to help themselves!

Regardless of the scenario — emotional or physical limitations that keep your child from living independently — I STONGLY believe it is our job to not enable them and to find places and ways for them to live BEFORE we die. I know this is an unpopular opinion as I have challenged people in my life to do tough love on their adult children and force them to live independently, regardless the cost. Many, however, just can’t do it and are paying the cost with the inability to enjoy their retirement years, inability to downsize their house, and are very unhappy with their lives. Of course, if they are not unhappy then that is their choice to house their adult children, but most people I know are trapped and do not know how to fix it or don’t have the heart to do tough love.

I believe you should do things like help them get their first apartment, maybe even pay a couple months’ rent, but make it clear that you will not rescue them after that. Or, split the cost of rent with them for a specified time but somehow these adult children MUST figure out how to take care of themselves! If they have to have a roommate to survive, so be it. If they have no training to get a good job then pay for the training or schooling until they graduate. You must stand your ground that they MUST find a way to support themselves. You should be the helper, not the enabler and if need be, you need to be prepared to do tough love.

Can you let your child be homeless? Can you let them be hungry? Help them get on foodstamps. Help them find rooms to rent. But rescuing them and letting them come home to live again and again is not the answer. There is a book called Tough Love by Phyllis and David York. I highly recommend it. Maybe you even need to start a support group of parents in the same situation. But, in my opinion, parents MUST start launching their young adults that are living with them rent free and playing video games all night long.

When you die, what will happen to your son/daughter? They will have to figure out how to survive or die. The best gift you can give them while you are alive is to teach them how to pay bills, how to apply for jobs, how to interview, and even how to apply for government assistance. Let them feel the pain of having to eat Ramen for their meals, take a bus instead of driving a car, and having to sell their video game system to pay for their phone bill. Without pain, they will not grow! The book Tough Love has 10 commandments of Tough Love. I published these one day on a Facebook group and got slaughtered with criticism. “But my child has anxiety, but it’s not my child’s fault he can’t keep a job, etc. How could I let him/her be homeless! That is cruel!” All I have to say is our job as parents is NOT to be their friend. It is our job to teach them how to be an adult.

If your adult child is still living at home with not much hope of them moving out anytime soon, then I urge you to consider tough love and to stop enabling their lifestyle. Of course there are always legitimate reasons when our adult children truly need our help, but of the 50% living at home I believe only about 10% of them have legitimate reasons for doing so. Please give your child the best gift you can of learning how to take care of themselves BEFORE you die! They will be mad at you at first, but in the end they will thank you just like my son does. It is worth the fight and it will be a tough one on you emotionally but keep the end game in mind. The end game is a win/win for everyone involved!
Learn how to make lemonade out of lemons!

July 24th, 2024

So after the age of 60, life will start to throw lemons at you at a more rapid rate. You, in all likelihood, WILL have some health issues. You may have serious health issues — cancer, diabetes, arthritis, and other diseases which compromise your quality of life, at least for a while if not forever. How are you going to handle these issues? Trust me, health issues can throw you into depression and hopelessness and drastically change your life that you had planned. Of course this is true at any age in life because you never know what life is going to throw at you, but I guarantee you that after the age of 60 the likelihood of getting hit with a lemon goes up drastically! In my circle of friends many have battled and survived serious cancers already, myself included. Many of my friends are dealing with issues like hip replacements, serious knee issues, and taking a plethora of medicines to deal with high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes and yes, even depression. Another word I have not brought up yet is dimentia, or at least cognitive decline which often starts at age 60, but I will address this in another article.

My husband was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease over a year ago. His health has rapidly declined and yes, he is often depressed. Our life has drastically changed and I, too, have to fight being depressed. But I refuse to be beaten up by these lemons and I am determined to make lemonade! What does have to happen, however, is that I have to change my expectations of life and I have to find new ways to create joy. This has proven to be a challenging task!

Our joys were cooking and eating food, traveling, sex, shopping, and socializing with friends. All of these things have either had to stop altogether or been seriously curtailed since the effects of this disease have been taking place. We can no longer go out to restaurants or invite friends over for dinner because my husband no longer eats food. Traveling is VERY difficult as I mentioned in my Gizmos and Gadgets posting but I am determined to still hold on to it at least once in a while. Sex can no longer happen. Socializing with friends is much less often since meeting them at restaurants or going to each others’ houses for barbecues and such is now off the table. Even shopping has lost it’s luster as we keep downsizing our housing and collecting “stuff” no longer has appeal. What joys does that leave us with?

I also deal with caretaker guilt as I can still enjoy eating and meeting friends at restaurants but this excludes my husband and leaves him home very lonely. But I am determined that depression will not prevail. We must come up with new joys! So what lemonade can we make with these lemons?

We can have game nights with friends, which we have done several times successfully. We can go to attractions where eating is not the focus like museums, aquariums, and theme parks. We can go to movies, plays and concerts. We can go to art and music festivals. My husband cannot sweat due to his autonomic nervous system not working well so heat is an issue also. We live in Florida so heat in the summer seriously curtails our ability to go outside. What did I do to circumvent that? I took us to the North Carolina mountains and rented a condo for 2 of the hottest months! Now we can go outside!

My girlfriend and I are both caretakers but we have learned we still have to make time for some fun for ourselves to stay sane. We schedule “fun” at least once a month. Last month we went horseback riding on horses that swim. Next we are going to go kayaking on a clear kayak tour. Keeping ourselves mentally healthy and strong is very important!

Staying social is very important also. Isolating yourself definitely can lead to depression. I invite family over to visit my husband and still offer them food but keep it light and not the focus of the socializing. We go to visit them for short visits where they don’t need to feed us but we can stay in touch and watch the grandchildren grow.

Getting out of the house, even if just for a scenic drive is a good way to combat depression also. Figure out what you can do with your limitations and do it! Don’t let those lemons rot at your feet! Figure out what you can do to make lemonade and don’t stop making it or trying new recipes.

As issues enter your life such as using walkers and wheelchairs or having to have oxygen with you everywhere you go, figure out ways to deal with them so your life does not become limited to a recliner and TV. And if your loved one only wants the recliner and TV, help himj/her move beyond that. I googled depression and old age and did not come up with much info that is helpful. How do you not be depressed when all the majority of your joys are taken away from you? To me old age depression is not chemical, it is situational. Pills are not the answer. Finding new hobbies and ways to socialize, that is what is needed or old age will win. You will fall further and further down into the rabbit hole of doing nothing if you do not fight it!

So dear readers, be prepared. Be open to new ideas. Be prepared to fight for what is imporant to you like traveling even with old age issues. Be diligent about seeking out new hobbies you can do. Don’t let old age become the dictator of your life. Learn how to make lemonade from those lemons!
Gizmos and gadgets, pills and prescriptions!

July 23rd, 2024

When you hit 60 be prepared to add many gizmos and gadgets and pills and prescriptions to your life! Your body starts to fail you but fortunately modern day science has many fixes for what ails you — lots of gizmos and gadgets and pills! Maybe you notice your hearing is starting to go, there are hearing aids to fix that. According to Healthyhearing.com two thirds of Americans over 70 have hearing loss! Maybe your snoring gets worse and you find out you have sleep apnea — there’s a machine to fix that also. Did you know that 50% of people over age 65 have sleep apnea according to the National Council on Aging? Maybe your vision is going due to cataracts, there’s lenses they can implant in your eyes to fix that. According to Eyecentersurgeons.com over 90% of people over 65 have cataracts! Maybe you can’t read as well as you used to. Don’t worry there are drug store readers you can purchase to help that. Maybe your cholesterol is high, there’s a pill for that. According to healthline.com “One in 17 US adults has high LDL cholesterol and one in 48 has very high LDL cholesterol. More than 40% of individuals with high cholesterol don’t know they have it and don’t treat it.” Maybe your sugar is too high there’s medicine for that also. According to the CDC, of people “65 years or older: 27.2 million people aged 65 years or older (48.8%) have prediabetes.” Maybe your blood pressure is high, there is a pill for that too. According to hopkinsmedicine.org, “even if you do not have hypertension by age 55 to 65, your lifetime risk for developing it is a whopping 90 percent.” These are all items people my age use regularly to stay alive and keep up a decent quality of life and prevent themselves from dying early.

So…. what you have to decide is do you want to live with all these gadgets and how are you going to handle them? There are definitely things you can do to mitigate this list of old age issues. I have started trying. I am overweight by about 60 lbs. I am out of shape because I did not make excercise a priority these last 10 yeaars. I do NOT want to have to take diabetes medications or cholesterol medication. It actually might be too late for the latter. I recently had a test done that measures the calcifications in your arteries. 3 of mine were clear but one had a 17% blockage. I am considered to be in the 45% percentile for my age but if I hit 55% then medicines are strongly suggested to prevent further calcification. The issue is the drug of choice for high cholesterol in the U.S. is statins. However, if you research them, they are very controversial and even outlawed in Europe. If I can avoid them I’d really like to!

Some people, however, would prefer taking medications over changing their lifestyle. I actually heard a man say that at a bar as he was scarfing down some whisky — “I’d rather take pills than give up my drinking!” That is their choice and I am sure many Americans choose that. Me, I am choosing to try to change my lifestyle even at the age of 63 it is not too late — at least for the things I can control like sugar and cholesterol and exercise.

My husband has a neurodegerative disease and his issues are not really in his control. He uses oxygen because his lungs are weakening. He is on a permanent feed tube and has liquid food delivered to the house every month. He has thyroid disesase and has to take pills for that too. Life will sometimes give you gizmos and gadgets even if you are not to blame!

I have a sleep apnea machine that I just got in the last year and managing the gadgets that go with that are a whole other story! Supposedly if I lose enough weight I might not need it anymore, that would be wonderful.

Teeth are another part of your body that really start to have issues with age. Root canals, caps, implants and even false teeth could be in your future after the age of 60. You might have had these done at a younger age but they often need redoing due to wear and tear eventually. I had a cap replaced for an implant and while I really like the implant, it, too, came with a plastic mouth guard I need to use everynight to protect that tooth. Another gadget!

I was never a big make up person but even without makeup I suddenly have a variety of creams the dermatologist has prescribed for various reasons. This also brings up the topic of skin cancer. Did you get a lot of sunburns as a child? If so, you might develop skin cancers as an older adult. Skin cancer is not something to ignore and you can even die from it so if you have spots on your body that look unusual get them checked out before it’s too late!

Another issue that is bound to catch you after the age of 60 is arthritis — the price to pay for wear and tear on your bones over the years. I have knee pain so I went to see a dr. and sure enough I have arthritis in my knee. Knee and hip replacements are common surgeries for people over 65. According to the VA 75% of all knee replacements are in people over the age of 65. Here again, losing weight can help with arthritis but not eliminate it. And, here again, lot of pills and gadgets are available to help you mitigate arthritis.

So hear I am at age 63 with a sleep apnea machine, mouth guard, and several creams I must use everyday due to skin issues. My husband, age 71, has oxygen and food delivered to the house regularly. We have had to purchase a blood pressure machine and oxygen monitor to monitor those things regularly. He also has a wheelchair and we have a motorized lift on the back of our car. We have lots of gizmos and gadgets!

So, the question is can we still take vacations? Can we still travel? Before old age hit us we loved to travel. Now, however, traveling is work! Because you are so dependent on your gadgets and gizmos, you must travel with these things and/or make sure they are available where you are going. Preparation for travel is a BIG deal now. Do you give up on life and just stay home because you are “old” now? Many people do but many people also do not. I am a travel agent and I can tell you people travel with their many gadgets and gizmos and even have portable dialysis machines they travel with! Wheelchairs can be taken on a plane or cruiseship and even be rented for such events. Oxygen can be delivered and traveled with and liquid food can be delivered too. You don’t have to become a homebody just because you have all these old age issues but you do have to be prepared to “work” before you travel to make sure everything you need to survive is taken care of wherever you are going!

I am writing this blog not to discourage you or depress you. I am writing it to encourage you to THINK about old age, to know these issues ARE coming to many, many people when they hit the age of 60+. What kind of old person do you want to be? What path are you on with your health? It is not too late to change your health if you are like me and on the cuspit of some serious issues but not quite there yet. I am on a diet where people have actually reversed their diabetes and got off insulin as a result. It is never too late too change. If you have a partner, discuss these issues with him/her. Their health will impact your life 60+ also. Don’t be blindsided like so many people who suddenly have high blood pressure, diabetes, skin cancer, hearing aids, oxygen (because they have smoked their entire lives) and need bypass surgery due to clogged arteries! Be proactive. Get tested and see your dr. regularly. Know what condition your liver, heart, kidneys and brain are in so you can proactively prevent a health crisis in your life. Take control of your old age years as much as you can so you can enjoy life as long as possible and know that old age is NOT FOR COWARDS!
Food – a blessing and curse!

September 8th, 2023

My husband is on a feeding tube. He had throat cancer 12 years ago and the radiation caused damage to his vocal chords that made him aspirate when he eats. The aspiration got so bad he kept getting lung infections, so a year ago he got a feeding tube installed so he could skip eating by mouth altogether. The actual surgery of installing a feeding tube is simple and can even be an outpatient procedure but the emotional trauma of never being able to eat again is horrible, as you can imagine. He has handled this event really well in my opinion, and while, yes, he was severely depressed for several months, afterwards he lifted himself out of the funk and does not complain very often about his plight.

I, on the other hand, was also traumatized. Eating out was a big part of our life and of course eating and drinking is a very social thing also. We can no longer go out for drinks or dinner with friends. I don’t feel right hosting meals out my house for friends or family because he is left out from enjoying the event. It has been a big loss for both of us.

Now let’s add old age issues to the mix. I have been pre-diabetic for about 7 years but never crossed the threshold to diabetes type 2 until a few months ago when that number nudged into the diabetic range. Yes, I am overweight. Not obese, but definitely could use to lose 50 lbs (I am tall). I had also been on a statin to lower by fatty liver numbers (also made worse by being overweight). Recently I had a reaction to the statin, however, and am off it hoping to lose weight and not need that medicine either.

I need to lose weight, cut out sugar and carbs, and lower my cholesterol. I have lost weight before and am determined to do it again so I do not have diabetes or high cholesterol anymore. Of course there are lots of older people who just take meds for these issues and continue their same eating lifestyle. Luckily I do not have high blood pressure yet, or salt would become an enemy also! My goal is to lose that weight and need no meds. It is ridiculous that I cannot achieve this goal. Especially with my husband no longer eating, I am in total control of my diet. This should be easy right? Not!

I like fish and chicken. I like vegetables and fruit. I have already removed gluten from my diet due to stomach issues. This losing weight should not be an issue for me, but it is. Eating does not excite me anymore. I don’t want to eat foods that look too good in front of my husband. I try to help him from being tempted by my food by eating food I know he would not like. I actually find that I don’t want to eat, which might help with this weight loss issue but it also depresses me because food is a pleasure and it is gone from my life.

I try not to feel sorry for myself because imagine how exponentially horrible it is for my husband? He can’t even have a cup of coffee without aspirating! So, once again I find myself admonishing you, the reader, do not take food for granted! If you are not diabetic, or don’t have high blood pressure or high cholesterol then count yourself lucky but be warned. With old age our eating habits catch up with us. We can no longer have burgers whenever we want or desserts filled with sugar and fat. We need to be eating lean meats, lots of vegetables and fruit as opposed to steak, potatoes and ice cream. If you are not currently eating well, it WILL catch up with you. And when it does, you will have to decide whether to add pills to your daily regimen one by one or whether to make a life change.

I have a friend who has eaten healthy his entire life. He is 79 now. And guess what? He is healthier then most 65 year olds I know. He is reaping the rewards of his lifestyle choices. Can I reverse the damage I have done? Can I lose enough weight to make the diabetes go away and the cholesterol numbers to be in a healthy range again? I am going to try.

And the other issue that cannot be ignored in conjunction with diet is excercise. I have definitely slacked off on excercise over the last 10 years and I am definitely paying the price now! Please don’t minimize the important of actual excercise in your health and longevity. Finding time to fit it in is very difficult, especially if you work full time like me and caretake others. But I MUST find a way to incorporate excercise into my daily life and I will.

Old age is not for cowards for sure. If you want to live to be 70 or longer you can no longer neglect your body. You can no longer eat whatever you want. You must proactively take steps to improve your health or your quality of life will greatly diminish and pills, lots of them, will become part of your life. I am fighting the good fight, and I write this blog for myself as much as for. you. Food is a pleasure and we need to figure out how to get that pleasure even while making healthy choices. Whenver I start having a pity party for myslef about food, I remember my husband. The poor guy has lost ALL pleasure associated with food. The least I can do is find ways to get pleasure that will not harm me. Change your food choices now, before your body breaks down from the damage you have been doing eating fatty, sugary foods. Your choices will effect how long into old age you get to live!
Food, Sex and Money

September 5th, 2023

All three of these topics are effected by old age. All three of these topics are critical to life. Feel free to give me advice after you read what I am going through in any of these blogs. I do NOT have life figured out but we don’t get to pause life until while we do. We just have to keep going and keep trying to make the right decisions and learn from our mistakes along the way.

Let’s start with money. I never learned how to handle money well apparently. I have owned a home since I was 25 so I guess I haven’t failed at handling money but I certainly have not succeeded. Even now at age 63 I pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. I have an IRA but it is for retirement and if I solely lived off of it, it might last me 8 years with SSI included. I don’t have a mortgage but I owe credit card companies more than I should. And I have paid off credit card debt a dozen times in life but always end up back in debt a few years later. I am bad!

I don’t buy expensive jewelry or clothing. I am driving a vehicle with 100k+ miles on it. So I am not a compulsive spender. Lately it’s just that I keep saying “you only live once” thinking these are the last years I can enjoy life so I am spending money on travel and experiences much more than things. If I end up living to 100, I certainly will be poor because I can’t afford 40 more years of “only living once” lol.

Last year my husband, who was my partner for 15 years at that point, and I decided to get officially married. Now mind you, we had got what I call legally married 4 years prior to that by my friend, a notary public, sitting in a classroom at the school she teaches at with noone else there. We got married because I was the breadwinner and income taxes were killing me. Married is a much better tax status in the U.S. So we got married for financial reasons. we did not tell our family we did this.

In 2022 when it was obvious his health was failing we got married officially in front of friends and family to declare our commitment to each other, to enjoy a big party, and to make it clear to all our children we were now in charge of each other’s lives (health care, financial and such). The wedding was a small wedding of about 30 people whom we served a full dinner and open bar for at a hotel. We paid for 1 night’s hotel for any children who did not want to drive afterwards. We spent the weekend at the hotel so friends who flew in from out of town could visit with us. It ended up costing us about $7k. It all went on a credit card — one I had just finished paying down lol. It was the sickest my husband had ever been (right after the wedding he ended up being put on a feeding tube because he kept getting lung infections from aspirating on food he ate and he had been losing a bunch of weight because he was not eating enough because of how difficult it was for him). He did not enjoy the event and actually volunteered to go back to our house (an hour away) to watch our dog after the dog sitter bailed on us in the middle of the weekend. But, I, on the other hand was really enjoying having all my friends and family in one place and lived it up that weekend! I paid for a dolphin siting cruise for all of us and I paid for another big dinner during that weekend. I hosted breakfast in our hotel room and ate out at good restaurants all weekend. It was a wonderful experience (except for my husband not being able to enjoy it of course) and worth every penny of the $7k.

The problem is when you put that big amount on a credit card and you only have about $1k discretionary income each month, it takes a while to pay that off. And then when you have unexpected medical bills and appliances breaking down or car repair bills (remember our car is not new) that you also have to put on that credit card, up goes the debt! But I sure did enjoy that wedding weekend!

So now, I want to retire from my full time job. If my husband were not ill I would work 2 more years until I can get Medicare but I think, at most, he only has 1 year left to be able to enjoy life even a little. I don’t want to spend that time working a 40+ hour job per week where I only get 2 weeks off each year while he spends his time sitting in a recliner watching TV because he is not well enough to go out into the world on his own and really cannot even drive anymore. I need to retire, if even only until he passes, so I can focus on him and his needs. Remember — til death do us part!

So, I find myself faced with a TON of financial questions I have to answer and plans I have to make. But I KNOW I will always err on the side of spending the money to enjoy life as opposed to not spending it and sitting at home with him. On his bucket list is seeing the Grand Canyon. I want him to see it soon. We cannot take traditional tours because of him having to feed himself every 4 hours and him needing privacy to do that. The best solution will be for me to do a driving trip with him where we can stop when he needs to and where eating is not the focus of the vacation.

I also have a sister whom I am very close with who lives 1200 miles away from us and her husband is also fairly ill so they can’t travel easily either. I want to spend time with them. I love them both.

Part of my husband’s illness is his autonomic system does not work well. Going from heat to cold is very difficult because his body cannot regulate for the temperature differences. We live in Florida. Summers are hot there! My husband cannot go out basically all summer long because he gets ill in the heat. This is why we moved to the mountains in NC a couple years ago — to escape the heat — but he could not handle winter either so living there did not work. But spending the summer there would help. In fact we are spending the week there now and he is loving it!

So where do all these wants and needs point to? In my book it points to a camper being the best solution. If we had a camper where he could sit in the back while I drive, we could see the Grand Canyon. We could spend next summer in the mountains and we could see my sister for much longer visits. It would solve many issues on how to enjoy the time of life he has left. Anot not to mention, maybe even I have left. If dementia strikes me like it did my mom then maybe I have til I am 70 to retain my freedom.

Some people might be afraid of taking the leap to living out of a camper for a year, but not me. I love trying new things and I love change. We have owned 2 campers before. I know what is involved. I want a self contained camper this time that does not need set up nearly as much as a travel trailer and like I said where my husband can sit in the back while I drive.

The financial questions around this camper, however, are many! Do we buy a camper? Do we rent a camper? Do we keep our house or do we sell it and put our stuff in storage temporarily? Or do we rent our house out? If we sell our house we can invest the money and use the return on the investment to live on while we travel. If we rent out our house, we could live off that also. How the hell (excuse my French) am I going to figure out the best decision on this one? And, I need to make the decision fairly soon because my husband does not have a lot of time left for sure.

I know most people would be to afraid to make a drastic decision like this, but I am not. That’s why I never have had money for very long. I always choose experience. If I have the money or the means, I always choose living life now — even before my husband became ill and even more so now. I will never have a large bank account and I probably always will be floating debt but I have lived life for sure.

I now have to decide exactly when to retire and whether to retire fully or try to maintain some type of part time income. I have to decide about a camper and I have to decide what to do with our house. But sitting on this patio overlooking the Blue Ridge mountains watching the sunset with my husband because the temperature is a comfortable 70 degrees I know I have to make the decisions for him. I may not make the right decision financially but regardless it will be the right decision to give him some joy in life and the ability to be outside all year round until he is bed ridden.

Even if you don’t have a dying husband, if you are 60+ you should be deciding how to use your money to maximize your joy in life while you can. Cancer, heart attacks, death can hit at any moment and the odds of these events multiply so much higher as you age. If you have plenty of wealth to enjoy life the more power to you but even if you are like me, I hope you choose joy whatever that looks like for you. Take the leap. Figure out how to make your finances work. But don’t wait until tomorrow if you are over 60. According to statista.com the death rate between 45-54 year olds to 55-64 years olds doubles! And between ages 65-74 it doubles again! Play the odds while they are in your favor and choose to enjoy life!

And if you have any advice on the best way to handle my finances to make camping around the U.S. for a year a possibility and how to do it with the lowest stress, feel free to comment on my blog with your opinions or advice!

Oh, and if you are wondering where the sex and food part is for this blog, stay tuned. This is one of a 3 part series!
Til Death Do Us Part

September 4th, 2023

The phrase “til death do us part” is included in many wedding vows. But I doubt the power of those words is rarely understood by those who say them. This is my 2nd marriage. I abandoned my first marriage because the marriage counselor said, “Nancy, if you are going to stay in this relationship it will have to be as a martyr because your partner is not going to change.” Those words scared the hell out of me. I was 45 at the time. I did not want to be a martyr for the rest of my life in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship! So I initiated the divorce determined to find a happier relationship where I did not have to be a martyr.

The issue is, death does come to us all. It comes in many forms. Slow and suffering or quick and shocking but when it comes I don’t think any of us are really prepared for what it will mean to our life. Brides and grooms with stars in their eyes and hope for the future say “to death do us part” so naively. If your partner dies a sudden, unexpected death then the devastation to your life and plans together is an unbearable pain that lasts a long time. If your partner gets a disease or has a disabling accident then your plans also have to change and you HAVE to be come a martyr unless you have the nerve to leave your love one when they need you most.

My 2nd partner has been diagnosed with a progressive, terminal disease. I am now a caretaker and I have no idea how long this stage in life will last but I am here until death do us part for him. I delayed the martyrdom 20 years by divorcing my 1st husband but it still caught up with me, and in hindsight could have caught up with me at any moment in time.

To death do us part is really just another word for commitment. And this commitment does not just apply to your partner. It applies to your children also. We have children with stars in our eyes too. We see a future of achievements — learning how to walk, how to speak, the 1st day of school, the last day of school, the last day of college, watching them get married and have children of their own. We see this future when they are born but in reality a ton of things can happen that shatter those plans you made for them. You are a parent forever but at some point you will also have to decide how committed am I to my child? Is it until death do us part?

When your son or daughter is an addict, a criminal, mentally unstable and constantly needs your help, are you going to stay in that relationship as a parent forever, and what is that going to look like? (I address this in a future blog.)

I adopted 7 special needs children at young ages. I had stars in my eyes. Now, however, they range from 25-37 and they all still need our help. When your child fails to “launch” the way you envisioned, are you in it til death does you part?

At some point, life will ask you to be a martyr. Be prepared for that! You will have the opportunity to take care of an elderly parent, needy child, or dying spouse. This is a part of life that no one prepares you for. Until it happens you don’t know what you are made of. When you can no longer work on your own bucket list, take that vacation you dreamed of, retire at the shore or in the mountains as you always planned because you are being called to help these significant people in your life, will you be prepared?

I have several people in my life who are caretakers and who are martyrs. They have given up their own needs and wants to help others in their life. This is not healthy either. My hospice friend knows of many cases where the caretaker died before the sick person because they neglected their own health. That is very sad.

So, being the control freak that I am, I am trying to figure this all out. Can I find balance in caretaking between helping the people I love who need help and taking care of my own emotional and physcial needs? And, actually, this question starts to present itself the minute you become a parent. How many moms of young children spend their lives exhausted and emotionally depleted trying to raise their children?

So this issue of being a martyr is one that you will be presented with throughout your life. How will you take care of yourself and take care of others? Maybe being single is the answer for you because you just don’t have it in you to be a martyr. I may not have ended my first marriage if I understood this. If someone said to me, “Nancy all of life will require you to be somewhat of a martyr because people you love will need you at various times and for various reasons throughout their life. It is your job to figure out how not to lose yourself, lose your health, and still find happiness even though you will have to martyr yourself at some point. Your spouse could become a paraplegic in an auto accident. Would you divorce him then? Your child could be diagnosed with a severe mental illness that means they can never live independently. Will you abandon your child?

I know you might be thinking this stuff will never happen to me. I hope it never does. I hope you get your storybook life just as you planned it. But I know many more people who have not got the life they planned than those who do. You probably won’t think about any of this until life “happens” to you but I urge you to allow yourself those thoughts. Figure out balance from the moment you children are born, from the moment you get married. Be prepared for “til death do us part” and you will do yourself a favor!
Playing God

July 29th, 2023

My friend, the hospice nurse, had the privilege and burden of helping her sister in law take her own life medically and legally. This friend, who has been around death her whole life, had a really tough time after she participated in this medically assisted ending of a life. I did not understand why but now I am now understanding it through my experience with my dog. My friend’s sister-in-law was suffering in every way possible from terminal cancer. She was in horrible pain with no hope for improvement. And, yet, the decision as to when to end her life was not an easy one. In California the judge approves the medicine and a person can prepare it for the patient, but the patient must be able to administer it to themselves. One would think the preparer has the easy job but I have come to realize it is still like playing God to even slightly assist in someone’s process of ending their own life. If they can’t totally arrange and do it themselves you might be showing them mercy by helping them, but you are also playing God!

My dog, whom I wrote about in a previous post, had his first seizure this week. It was horrible. He was flailing on the ground with all 4 legs in the air and unable to stand up. I pet him and soothed him until the seizure was over but he was horribly disoriented for hours afterwards. I do have Gabapentin which he already takes for pain/nerves so I gave him some more and eventually he went back to sleep. Now, I thought, now is the time. He is suffering and we should help him end his suffering. I called the vet the first thing the next morning. They had no appointments that day and I’d have to wait 2 days to get him in. Two days later came, but Sobee (my dog) had no further seizures and was back to his old lethargic self, sleeping and eating his days away. I could not do it. I could not put him down. I postponed the appointment a week to think about it.

So here I am, thinking, writing this blog. If I am having such trouble with a dog, I cannot imagine how I will be with a human. I now understand how horrible a task it must have been for my friend to assist with a human death, even in the slightest way, and even with all her experience. Assisting in a death is playing God.

If only we could be 100% sure we were sending that earthly life to a better heavenly life would it be so hard? Is my faith not solid enough if I am having even small doubts about doing this? Will God be upset with me for doing His job? These are the questions that are haunting me.

I am going to visit my sister for 4 days next week. My husband, who is experiencing cognitive decline as part of his disease, will have to take care of the dogs. The dog who is having seizures now needs medicine 4x a day. The other dog, who has a pancreatic tumor, needs medicine 2x a day. Will my husband remember to administer these medicines properly for 4 days? I have no idea. Will the dogs survive even if he doesn’t? I imagine so. And, if my dog has another seizure how will my husband handle it? Will he even know it is happening? That definitely will definitely cause Sobee to suffer.

So I ask myself again, should I put Sobee down as an act of mercy for him? And is it an act of mercy if he is not in pain? Is confusion a good enough reason to end a life? I imagine if you have a loved one with Alzheimer’s or dementia, it must feel the same way. I don’t want to live if I have Alzheimer’s or dementia. I don’t want to put my family through living with a person who no longer knows you. But even states where medically assisted suicide is legal would not consider Alzheimer’s a valid diagnosis to approve it. Apparently you have to go overseas to find a country that would help with this situation. My mom died from dementia so genetically I am predisposed to this disease. I am terrified of having to follow the same path.

I now have an appointment for Tuesday morning to “put Sobee down”. I don’t know if I will be able to go through with it. The highest motivator at this point is that I know my husband will be in danger if he has to take Sobee to the vet in an emergency situation while I am gone (it is dangerous for him to drive due to his illness). I don’t want to put him in danger because I was reluctant to end the life of a dog who is near death’s door anyhow. I also don’t want Sobee to suffer because I have gone out of town. I know my “going out of town” days are almost over as my husband needs my caretaking more and more as time passes so this trip to see my sister is very important to me.

So pray I have peace when/if I make this decision. When we make the decision, we ARE playing God. Hopefully God won’t mind.