The phrase “til death do us part” is included in many wedding vows. But I doubt the power of those words is rarely understood by those who say them. This is my 2nd marriage. I abandoned my first marriage because the marriage counselor said, “Nancy, if you are going to stay in this relationship it will have to be as a martyr because your partner is not going to change.” Those words scared the hell out of me. I was 45 at the time. I did not want to be a martyr for the rest of my life in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship! So I initiated the divorce determined to find a happier relationship where I did not have to be a martyr.

The issue is, death does come to us all. It comes in many forms. Slow and suffering or quick and shocking but when it comes I don’t think any of us are really prepared for what it will mean to our life. Brides and grooms with stars in their eyes and hope for the future say “to death do us part” so naively. If your partner dies a sudden, unexpected death then the devastation to your life and plans together is an unbearable pain that lasts a long time. If your partner gets a disease or has a disabling accident then your plans also have to change and you HAVE to be come a martyr unless you have the nerve to leave your love one when they need you most.

My 2nd partner has been diagnosed with a progressive, terminal disease. I am now a caretaker and I have no idea how long this stage in life will last but I am here until death do us part for him. I delayed the martyrdom 20 years by divorcing my 1st husband but it still caught up with me, and in hindsight could have caught up with me at any moment in time.

To death do us part is really just another word for commitment. And this commitment does not just apply to your partner. It applies to your children also. We have children with stars in our eyes too. We see a future of achievements — learning how to walk, how to speak, the 1st day of school, the last day of school, the last day of college, watching them get married and have children of their own. We see this future when they are born but in reality a ton of things can happen that shatter those plans you made for them. You are a parent forever but at some point you will also have to decide how committed am I to my child? Is it until death do us part?

When your son or daughter is an addict, a criminal, mentally unstable and constantly needs your help, are you going to stay in that relationship as a parent forever, and what is that going to look like? (I address this in a future blog.)

I adopted 7 special needs children at young ages. I had stars in my eyes. Now, however, they range from 25-37 and they all still need our help. When your child fails to “launch” the way you envisioned, are you in it til death does you part?

At some point, life will ask you to be a martyr. Be prepared for that! You will have the opportunity to take care of an elderly parent, needy child, or dying spouse. This is a part of life that no one prepares you for. Until it happens you don’t know what you are made of. When you can no longer work on your own bucket list, take that vacation you dreamed of, retire at the shore or in the mountains as you always planned because you are being called to help these significant people in your life, will you be prepared?

I have several people in my life who are caretakers and who are martyrs. They have given up their own needs and wants to help others in their life. This is not healthy either. My hospice friend knows of many cases where the caretaker died before the sick person because they neglected their own health. That is very sad.

So, being the control freak that I am, I am trying to figure this all out. Can I find balance in caretaking between helping the people I love who need help and taking care of my own emotional and physcial needs? And, actually, this question starts to present itself the minute you become a parent. How many moms of young children spend their lives exhausted and emotionally depleted trying to raise their children?

So this issue of being a martyr is one that you will be presented with throughout your life. How will you take care of yourself and take care of others? Maybe being single is the answer for you because you just don’t have it in you to be a martyr. I may not have ended my first marriage if I understood this. If someone said to me, “Nancy all of life will require you to be somewhat of a martyr because people you love will need you at various times and for various reasons throughout their life. It is your job to figure out how not to lose yourself, lose your health, and still find happiness even though you will have to martyr yourself at some point. Your spouse could become a paraplegic in an auto accident. Would you divorce him then? Your child could be diagnosed with a severe mental illness that means they can never live independently. Will you abandon your child?

I know you might be thinking this stuff will never happen to me. I hope it never does. I hope you get your storybook life just as you planned it. But I know many more people who have not got the life they planned than those who do. You probably won’t think about any of this until life “happens” to you but I urge you to allow yourself those thoughts. Figure out balance from the moment you children are born, from the moment you get married. Be prepared for “til death do us part” and you will do yourself a favor!