My friend, the hospice nurse, had the privilege and burden of helping her sister in law take her own life medically and legally. This friend, who has been around death her whole life, had a really tough time after she participated in this medically assisted ending of a life. I did not understand why but now I am now understanding it through my experience with my dog. My friend’s sister-in-law was suffering in every way possible from terminal cancer. She was in horrible pain with no hope for improvement. And, yet, the decision as to when to end her life was not an easy one. In California the judge approves the medicine and a person can prepare it for the patient, but the patient must be able to administer it to themselves. One would think the preparer has the easy job but I have come to realize it is still like playing God to even slightly assist in someone’s process of ending their own life. If they can’t totally arrange and do it themselves you might be showing them mercy by helping them, but you are also playing God!

My dog, whom I wrote about in a previous post, had his first seizure this week. It was horrible. He was flailing on the ground with all 4 legs in the air and unable to stand up. I pet him and soothed him until the seizure was over but he was horribly disoriented for hours afterwards. I do have Gabapentin which he already takes for pain/nerves so I gave him some more and eventually he went back to sleep. Now, I thought, now is the time. He is suffering and we should help him end his suffering. I called the vet the first thing the next morning. They had no appointments that day and I’d have to wait 2 days to get him in. Two days later came, but Sobee (my dog) had no further seizures and was back to his old lethargic self, sleeping and eating his days away. I could not do it. I could not put him down. I postponed the appointment a week to think about it.

So here I am, thinking, writing this blog. If I am having such trouble with a dog, I cannot imagine how I will be with a human. I now understand how horrible a task it must have been for my friend to assist with a human death, even in the slightest way, and even with all her experience. Assisting in a death is playing God.

If only we could be 100% sure we were sending that earthly life to a better heavenly life would it be so hard? Is my faith not solid enough if I am having even small doubts about doing this? Will God be upset with me for doing His job? These are the questions that are haunting me.

I am going to visit my sister for 4 days next week. My husband, who is experiencing cognitive decline as part of his disease, will have to take care of the dogs. The dog who is having seizures now needs medicine 4x a day. The other dog, who has a pancreatic tumor, needs medicine 2x a day. Will my husband remember to administer these medicines properly for 4 days? I have no idea. Will the dogs survive even if he doesn’t? I imagine so. And, if my dog has another seizure how will my husband handle it? Will he even know it is happening? That definitely will definitely cause Sobee to suffer.

So I ask myself again, should I put Sobee down as an act of mercy for him? And is it an act of mercy if he is not in pain? Is confusion a good enough reason to end a life? I imagine if you have a loved one with Alzheimer’s or dementia, it must feel the same way. I don’t want to live if I have Alzheimer’s or dementia. I don’t want to put my family through living with a person who no longer knows you. But even states where medically assisted suicide is legal would not consider Alzheimer’s a valid diagnosis to approve it. Apparently you have to go overseas to find a country that would help with this situation. My mom died from dementia so genetically I am predisposed to this disease. I am terrified of having to follow the same path.

I now have an appointment for Tuesday morning to “put Sobee down”. I don’t know if I will be able to go through with it. The highest motivator at this point is that I know my husband will be in danger if he has to take Sobee to the vet in an emergency situation while I am gone (it is dangerous for him to drive due to his illness). I don’t want to put him in danger because I was reluctant to end the life of a dog who is near death’s door anyhow. I also don’t want Sobee to suffer because I have gone out of town. I know my “going out of town” days are almost over as my husband needs my caretaking more and more as time passes so this trip to see my sister is very important to me.

So pray I have peace when/if I make this decision. When we make the decision, we ARE playing God. Hopefully God won’t mind.