It’s bad enough that dying has been a topic on my mind this past year due to my own age and my husband’s health, but to add to those thoughts my dog is dying. I almost feel like God has planned this to give me a microcosm of death to think about before it is a human death I have to deal with. He is a 17 year old Dachshund who is almost totally blind and deaf at this point. He has lost most of his teeth and has horrible cataracts. His quality of life is pretty low. He still walks and eats and drinks however so what defines “quality of life’” for a dog?

He does not like being pet very much anymore. I think it’s because of not being able to see, but who knows. It just seems like being pet spooks him now. But even though he can barely hear he knows when I am in the kitchen and stumbles his way there in hopes of being fed. So he still enjoys eating apparently! And even though he cannot see he “follows” us and sleeps nearby wherever we are. He knows how to find us — scent maybe?

We cannot go away hardly at all due to him. He takes meds and has special needs that I would hate to put on any other caretaker. He cannot go to someone else’s house or a kennel because the unfamiliar environment would certainly cause him extreme anxiety because of his eyesight issue. We cannot even move a piece of furniture without it causing him severe stress.

So, we are waiting for him to die. Of course I could “put him down” at anytime. But he is a member of the family and life without him will not seem the same. 17 years is a long time to “live” with someone.

But, my husband, whose health is failing due to a degenerative disease, also does not have a lot of time left to enjoy life. So by not putting our dog down am I sacrificing good times with my husband? We are bound to our home pretty much as long as this dog is still living. Am I choosing my dog over my husband by not putting him down? It is important to note that my husband is willing to put him down because he feels his quality of life is so low. I am the one nursing our dog and keeping him alive.

If I can’t decide when to end the life of a pet, how will I know when to end my own life or allow my husband to end his? Is keeping a very sick pet or person alive because you don’t want them to leave this earth a selfish act?

So, I take the easy solution by telling myself God will take him our dog when it is time. Is this approach putting unnecessary suffering on our dog? It is legal to make a choice to put your pet down but in most states it is not legal to “put a human down” even if they are suffering.

I once told my very philosophical son about my desire to end my life before I am a burden on any of my children. He said, “You are going to deprive us of spending that end stage of life with you?” I never thought about it as being a privilege for the ones left behind but dealing with this decision about my dog, I can see how there might be some validity to that statement. I always say that a fast death is easy on the one who dies but hard on the one who lives. A slow death at least gives the living person time to process, prepare, and hopefully have closure. So is taking your life prematurely a selfish act also?

So there you have it. The thoughts that swim in my head everyday! I am not prepared to put my dog down yet. I do want to take my husband on a bucket list trip a year from now. We would have to put the dog down to do this unless we can find someone who would happily stay in our house and take care of this elderly dog. So stay tuned to see what I do or what God does. I pray it becomes evident what the best answer is, but for now I am just waiting for him to die and taking as good a care of him as I can.

In the meantime by dog is teaching me about death and life situations before I have to make them on the human level. I am thankful for the thoughts he provokes in me as I sort these issues out. He may be dying but he knows he is loved and he trusts me to take good care of him. It is such a heavy responsibility to be in charge of a life — any life. My prayer is, “God give me wisdom and peace as I make these decisions everyday.” I hand it to Him on a daily basis and that’s how I sleep at night!