I told you I was an optimist and from this title you probably think I was lying, but I am not. Just because I am optimistic does not mean I don’t force myself to face the most negative of thoughts. The control freak side of me has to do this to be prepared for the worst. I have to allow my mind to go to the worst thoughts, no matter how scary, to give myself time to ruminate and analyze how I would handle the situations should they come to pass. That way I will at least be somewhat prepared.

Once you hit the age of 60, everyone should starting thinking about death and dying and become prepared for it because for some of us it will happen fast and some it will happen slow but we ALL are going to die. The question is how are we going to handle life when our health starts to degenerate and how do our loved ones want us to handle it for them.

I read a Facebook post from a woman whose husband has a neurodegenerative disease that has no cure or even treatment and he will die from it. He is very ill. She was totally lost as to what to do and how to take care of him or herself. She was emotionally and physically exhausted from taking care of him already. She was asking for advice. (Which I applaud and is a topic in one of my future blogs.) My husband also has a neurodegenerative disease. We don’t know the specific diagnosis yet but he most likely will have a long, not pleasant death. Right now my husband can still walk and talk and do things for himself but one day he probably won’t be able to do any of that. I am forcing myself to become prepared for that time.

When I read that woman’s post I felt so sad for her. Not only for the obvious reason that her husband is dying but for the fact that she obviously is totally unprepared for this situation. I do not want to be this woman. I will make my husband have conversations with me about this situation before it happens. I cannot martyr myself like this woman, and so many others on Facebook groups about terminal illnesses do everyday for their significant other. And when this husband was healthy I am sure he would not have wanted his wife going through this either.

My friend, the hospice nurse, tells me she often has seen the caretakers die before the sick one because they exhaust themselves and do not take care of their own health. This does not make any sense to me but I read about women whose shoulders and backs have gone out again and again lifting their spouse in and out of wheelchairs. And I force myself to think about whether I could be that kind of caretaker. I can tell you right now the answer is no. But if I am not prepared for how I can handle this situation, then I could see it happening without you even realizing it. Of course you love your loved one and don’t want them to feel rejected. But what good are you to that loved one if you die before them or end up in the hospital while they are at home alone?

My husband is a veteran. He has never taken advantage of benefits he could have already but I am starting to learn about those benefits myself. I found out he can apply for care under the Pact act because he was in Vietnam. I am going to apply now because I imagine, like other government services, it will take a while to process. My hospice friend told me about palliative care available from hospice for up to a year before true hospice care is needed. I am sharing that information with this woman on line. People do not even know services that are out there to help them so they don’t have to be the only caretaker of a very sick person!

This woman says her husband does not want to go to an assisted living facility or even have a feeding tube. Does he really have the right or the sound mind to make these choices? My husband has already given me power of attorney so, if need be, I can make decisions for him. I would think this is a good thing for everyone over 60 to think about. Is there someone else in your life who you’d trust to make decisions for you when you no longer are thinking clearly?

There is a document called the Five Wishes (google it). I urge everyone to fill it out with a loved one so there are no family arguments when decisions have to be made regarding your care. Do it so no horrible decision someone has to made about whether or if to extend your life. Think about what a stress this will cause someone or many who love you. If you fill out this document while you are still healthy and of sound mind, you will be make it so much easier for your loved ones to make decisions on your behalf.

Of course, your loved ones may not want to have these difficult conversations. But I implore you to have them before you are in crisis mode. Have them in small pieces. One topic at a time. But have them! Have a will. Have an end of life plan. Have a health care proxy. Find out what services are available and the costs of those services before you need them.

In my first blog I discussed how I am determined to control the way I die. Have those same discussions with your loved ones who are older than 60. If they don’t want to go into an assisted living facility or nursing home then discuss with them the alternatives. Would they like medically assisted suicide to be an option? Would they really prefer to be deprived of food and water if they are terminal to hasten their death? These are horrible topics to discuss but oh so necessary to prevent everyone involved from being traumatized anymore than they have to.

Also, know how your loved one handles his finances. Do you know the passwords to their accounts? Are you listed on the bank accounts so you can have immediate access to them? Doing these things and finding this information when your loved one can no longer speak, or sign a document is SO much more difficult than preparing for those things while they are well. Again, it’s not a pleasant topic to discuss, but force yourself and your loved one to have these discussions and take action

Prepare for the worst and should your loved one be fortunate enough to have a quick, painless death, then no harm has been done. But if they have to go through the many stages of dying like so many people have to, then be prepared for the worst. Don’t be this woman asking for help when she is totally depleted of all physical and emotional energy.

Although if you do need help, in my next post we will discuss ways to find it!